This Just In: Scientists Discover True Nature of Feminists!
Jun. 17, 2010 3:34 AM ET
SB COMMUNITY DEEMS FEMINISTS IRRELEVANT NOBODY MEAN GIRLS, OMNIPOTENT PRIVILEGED HELLIONS
Douchey McDoucherson, ScienceBlogs Writers
Just days after a remarkable dustup in the science blogosphere, ScienceBlogs community members gathered to render judgment on feminist science bloggers.
Noted commenter, blogger, and cress fancier B-DOH! said “PZ and Orac take out the clueless fuckwits of the world with penetrating criticism, incisive wit and clever put downs. Feminists science bloggers, with their aggressive snark, set a tone.”
Newly disclosed documents revealed the surprising information that no one reads feminist science bloggers, who have amassed astonishing amount of social power and privilege that they refuse to wield for the good of the planet.
A respected researcher in the field, Professor D’Viden Konker speculated that, in fact, feminist science bloggers are total liars who have made up everything they say about themselves and have no real power in the world. Professor Konker did not comment for this article on how her theory related to an earlier theory that anything feminist science bloggers say should be ignored on principle because they once worked as an administrator. However, B-DOH! was adamant that Konker was wrong, feminist science bloggers reek of power, and are misusing it to silence the unheard.
In the midst of the debate, a small cranky boy ran into the room and started shouting about how there already was one hot woman blogger and she never said anything about feminism and so we should just ignore them and not talk about this. Embarrassed for him, no one bothered to point out that he himself was, in fact, paying attention to the issue and engaging in the debate.
In a blog post at orestesd00d.blogspot.com summarizing the zeitgeist of the internet, OrestesD00d noted
Feminist science bloggers should not even be mentioned in the same breath as PZ and Orac, except to note that the FSbitchez should wield their awesome powers benevolently, in a nurturing manner, kind of like Carol Brady. Be like our manly heroes, especially with the in-group. Just google PZ and Chris Mooney if you are in need of an example of how to proceed.
FSBs are always trying to control the discourse of people on other blogs. People should be allowed to say whatever they want, even if it’s completely offensive to you. When you complain about what they say on your blog, it hurts peoples’ feelings, and stifles conversation. Run your own blog the way you want to, let other people run their blog the way they want to.
FSBs are always trying to control the discourse on their blogs. People should be allowed to say whatever they want, even if it’s completely offensive to you. When you complain about it on your blog, you sound like a pathetic whiner, and it stifles conversation. Run your own blog the way we want you to, let other people run your blog the way they want you to.
The internet replied, “Damn straight!”
Despite the overwhelming scientific consensus that female science bloggers are irrelevant nobody mean girl omnipotent privileged hellions, a vocal denialist contingent made itself heard earlier this week.
Lawmakers who were kept apprised of the scientists latest findings were stunned by this development and immediately decided to call a hearing. The 70’s, 80’s and 90’s were summoned to testify before the House Select Committee on Science, Technology, Feminism, and FWDAOTI. The 70’s, graying hair cropped close to her head, went on record as “admiring your awesome internet technology” but when asked to provide expert testimony on the important issue at hand, burst out laughing and had to be hauled out of chambers, hands clutching her sides, tears rolling down her cheeks, crying out “no seriously, you are fucking kidding me, right? Ahahahahahahaha!”
The 80’s, dressed in a power suit and carrying a briefcase, spoke directly into the microphone. “Of course we are powerful. We know how to get the corner office. But it’s not like anyone is going to listen to what we have to say, unless some man repeats it right after us in the staff meeting.” The 80’s then leaned back, and Mr. 80’s Man translated her unintelligible remarks for the committee.
The 90’s, two raffish young manboys from Silicon Valley, spoke together about how great life was in post-feminist utopia, where opportunities abound for one and all!
Then just before the committee was about to issue a summary statement of its findings, Lady Gaga burst into the hearing room, swilled some whiskey, groped herself, looked around, and said, “Dammit! This isn’t the Yankees clubhouse, is it?” and exited.
The committee, and the scientists, agreed to move on. There was important work to be done elsewhere. And nothing more to be done here except send in the cleaning ladies.
ScienceBlogs writer Douchey McDoucherson contributed to this report.
Bunny Rock in Zuska’s Garden
Zuska is the kick-ass alter-ego of Suzanne E Franks. When not dispensing Zuska's wisdom, Suzanne can often be found gardening, reading, or having one of her thrice-weekly migraines.
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